Samurai Cop!

A friend of mine put it best. He called Samurai Cop, "The Citizen Kane of Bad Movies". I think that's absolutely correct. I don't know if I'll find a more enjoyably bad movie than this.

Below is a copy of the review I posted on the DV Rebel's Guide forum. I hope it convinces anyone who reads this to go out and find a copy. It's spectacular.

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Samurai Cop Review....Part 1

Disclaimer: Due to my bad memory, some of the names, events, and dialog might not be 100% accurate.

So, I've only seen the first half of the movie, which is where most of the youtube clips we've seen come from. But it's enough to begin my review.
First off, the people who wrote the script probably wrote this whole backstory for our hero, and then started writing the beginning scenes with him joining the LAPD. Then they probably wrote scenes of the Yakuza's hold on the city of angels growing with the police helpless to stop them. Then they must have said, "F**k that! let's get to the good Sh*t!", cause this movie opens with this evil redhead chick with shoulderpads who says "Here comes the boss", and then the Yakuza leader, I think his name was Mr. Mullet Head, sending his troops out to take out one of his rivals. And so then they do, and it's awesome. There's bullets firing, and this one dude gets hit and in the next shot he's in a totally different area kickin' ass! And then you'd think they'd give you a break and let you breathe a little after all that excitement, but no! They throw you right into the middle of a major drug bust where there's this hot lady cop in a helicopter. I think her name is Officer Pornstar. And she's using her radio to talk to Samurai Cop and his even more nameless partner. And they're looking for a boat in the marina, and she says "How am I gonna find the right boat" and Samurai Cop says "look for the boat with the drugs in a suitcase". And she does, but the drug dealers spot the cops and they get in their van and drive away. And if you've seen the youtube video, you know how badass this car chase is. Samurai Cop runs right over one of the bad guys with his car. He just says "Yeah, I ran over him. So what?" and the chase continues to it's fiery end. Oh, but what they don't show you in that vid is just how awesome Samurai Cop is. Officer Pornstar radios down from her helicopter and says "Hey Samurai Cop, great job, we should celebrate" And Samurai Cop doesn't even have to use a radio. He can hear her with his samurai super hearing, and he just says "Yeah, let's go unmake the bed."
BAM!!
SEX SCENE!!!
Well, not really sex. See, this guy is so friggin' Samurai, he doesn't even take his loin cloth off for sex. His magic powers allow him to have sex through underwear. I couldn't help but notice how this one scene, and only this one scene, seemed to use a better film stock, and it seemed a little better lit. How weird.
No time to cuddle. Off to the hospital burn unit, which is naturally right next to the dentists office. I think we all know what happens next. While his friend tries to get answers from a burned up dude, our hero sends out samurai vibes to the hot to trot nurse. But no, he is denied. Apparently she must be a flight attendant, because Samurai Cop starts talking to her about jumbo jets. He should just cut her head off with his sword and get back to the action. But instead his samurai powers must have been scrambled, cause he didn't notice the nurse walking into the burned up dude's room is the evil redhead!!! She's pushing a cart into the room and once the coast is clear, lifts the sheet covering the cart to reveal the big villain, Evil Samurai Jawbone Man. I'm not sure why ESJM is hiding in the cart, since he's already dressed up as a doctor. Maybe he just likes white lab coats? But I barely had time to think this thought before he pulls out a samurai sword and cuts burned dude's head off. And he keeps it! He doesn't just leave it there. What a villain!
ESJM almost makes it out of the hospital undetected, which must be a secret government hospital, because from the outside it looks just like a sleazy motel. But the cop on guard duty....wait. let me give a moment of praise for the actor playing the Cop on guard duty. Sure this was written as a typical Cop on guard duty, but this actor made it his own. He must have thought about who his character is. why he's on guard duty. And he created a character that is so uncomfortable in his own skin, so unsure of where to put his hands, or even if he should stand fully erect or hunch over....wow. Brilliant performance. I totally believed his character. So anyway, this guy walks in to find the decapitated burned dude and, thinking quickly, DOESN'T use his radio, but instead runs yelling through the hall. This must have triggered the "There's an evil samurai with a big jaw dressed as a doctor who just beheaded a patient" alarm, because just as ESJM is about to get to his car and escape, random citizens try to stop him, despite the fact that there was no reason to. Thank god for that special alarm I guess. But alas, he still gets away. Darn!
I wish I could write the entire first half breakdown, but I don't want to spoil everything. Let's just say, bad guys shouldn't go to brunch, unless they want to die in a parking lot gunfight by their own boss. A parking lot that looks an awful lot like the one at the hospital. How strange.

To Be Continued.




PART 2

Forgive me, but the second half of this movie is so unbelievably awesome, that I simply can not express in words just how wonderful it is. It's beautiful.

When last we left Samurai Cop and his partner, the Yakuza (which for some reason is made up of almost no Japanese people at all) had just blown up their car in a massive parking lot shoot out. The captain burns their asses, charcoal black, and throws out some F-bombs to let them know he's serious. Then he tells them he'll see them in hell and they get out of his office. So, its probably been about 2 hours since Samurai Cop has had himself some female company, so he goes to see the lovely lady he met earlier at brunch. This is a scene where the director must have wanted to let the audience know that this lady is tough because when they dressed the set for her office, you can see in the background she has the head of a ferocious lion mounted on the wall. This appeals to SC's killer instinct, cause he tells her he wants to get with her and asks her out. She tries to tell him how busy she is, but Samurai don't take "no" for an answer.
For some reason, SC and some other cops go to arrest the number 2 Yakuza member, Bald Baddie. They bust in on him while he's in the middle of some foreplay, but darnit, the sliding glass door was locked. Bald Baddie gets away, and manages to get dressed in 2 seconds. He escapes, with SC hot on his trail, down the hill behind his house. No, my mistake, it's a wooded area. So then when SC catches up to him, Bald Baddie dares him to fight like a man. Oh no! Samurai Cop's only weakness is to be called out for a little mano e mano action. He puts down his gun and puts up his dukes. They prepare to do battle amongst the trees. No wait, my mistake, they're in a clearing. Where the hell are they? Doesn't matter. It's time for some martial arts action my friends! Fists flying, round house kicks, gut punches, wavy brown locks, floppy bangs....oh wait. I was just describing SC's hair, which for some reason looks lovely whenever he's fighting. Must be a Samurai thing. So it's high speed action leading up to SC arresting Bald Baddie, only to have to kill him when he tries to pull a fast one. Not again! Why can't Samurai Cop catch a break!?
So, somewhere along the way, we get a Shakespearean moment where we see the film within the film. I'm not sophisticated enough to know what this moment was about, but I do know it was kickass! The actor playing Samurai Cop is going over the dailies for the movie with a projectionist, when some yakuza guys show up at the studio. Thankfully there's a warning bell at the studio, for just such an occasion. SC pulls out his gun and goes to work, gunning down the baddies as he walks through the hallways, dodging bullets, out on the rooftop, ducking for cover, shooting from incredible distances with a pistol.
Then back to the story without skipping a beat. In fact, we get back to the story in mid-beat. It's date time. SC goes and picks up the lovely lady for their date. He cooks her the finest meal of KFC, and takes her out to the beach where they wear their His and Hers bikinis and make out on the rocks. Big Time! This guy don't mess around when it comes to lip locking. He's all about it!
Uh oh, it seems the Yakuza is mad about Bald Baddie's death. They've had enough of this Samurai Cop guy. The problem is, they don't know his home address. But they do have the addresses of all the other police officers, so they go by each of them and ask for directions. It was clear while watching this, that the people who made Lethal Weapon 2 totally stole from this movie.
SC's partner gets attacked as he's stepping out of the shower, and these yakuza guys threaten to cut off his "big black gift". Oh man, if that wasn't enough to make all the men in the audience cringe, the thug pretends to hold the "black gift" in his hand, with a knife to it. But don't worry. SC's partner is resourceful. He distracts them, telling them he wrote down the address and it's in his coat, all the while grabbing the scissors that he uses for his scrapbook, and deftly getting the upper hand. And being a good cop, he gives them the chance to surrender, even though we know surrender isn't an option for the Yakuza. So, SC's partner kills them both and grabs his phone to try and warn SC. But SC is busy, if you catch my drift.
Leave it to Evil Samurai Jawbone Man to get the job done. With a little bacon grease, he gets his answer from Officer Pornstar. If you have a weak stomach, you might want to turn away during this scene. Not for the violence, but for the fact that Officer Pornstar does not look good in those shorts! EEK!!!
SC is just finishing his latest heavy-ass makeout nudie scene, when the phone rings and he answers it. His partner tells him to get out of the house, but it's too late. The Yakuza are there already. Looks like he'll have to shoot his way out.
And he does. Old West style!
Oh, and I'm thinking this isn't the first time the Lovely Lady has been in a situation like that, cause right afterward, she is fairly unaffected. Probably cause she's such a hardcore hunter, what with that lion head and all.
By now, the police Chief has had enough and tells SC and his partner to go and get those F-words. And they do. Oh....they do.
The final battle is full of bullets and blood, leading up to the confrontation between SC and ESJM. This fight scene is full of energy and dynamics, reminiscent of the lightsaber battle between Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Maul. Except SC has way better hair. It's distractingly lush.
I won't give away who wins. Let's leave that unspoiled. Suffice to say, viewers will not be disappointed.
You may think I've talked about everything in this movie, but you'd be wrong. I've merely described the tip of the iceberg of badassery that is Samurai Cop. From it's tight script, to it's A-list acting, to it's top notch editing, this movie is a thrill a minute action ride to hell and back, full of rich characters, comic relief, intense romance, and martial arts and gunplay worthy of comparison to The Matrix, Lethal Weapon, or even Dark Ops. It gets my highest praise and I recommend it to you all.